Male Chastity: A Wife’s Perspective
Male Chastity: A Wife’s Perspective
Male chastity and strict orgasm control became an important part of my hubby’s experience last summer.
Before you decide to lock up your hubby’s penis, you need to ask yourself the following questions. Are you unhappy with how much attention he now pays to you? Do you think that at least part of the problem is that he is paying too much attention to pornography or other women? Has he admitted to you that he masturbates too much? Would you be willing to give up intercourse with him, at least in the short term, if you got a lot more attention from him, including a lot more oral sex? Are you willing to take control and put in the effort to make your relationship work in a new and exciting way? If yes, you should consider chastity for your husband.
To put this in pop psychology terms, Mars and Venus were attracted to each other, romanced each other and fell in love. Mars and Venus got married. Mars eventually retreated into his cave as men are apt to do and while there found it convenient to masturbate rather than be with Venus. All too rarely does he emerge to pay any attention to Venus. Venus thought that with marriage Mars was hers and that life would be a forever version of their fairytale courtship days. She ignored the advice of wise mothers to daughters for generations that if you want to keep your man you have to keep making him want you because it sounded sexist and not needed in the modern world. What is a wise Venus to do if she wants a happy lifelong marriage? She has to stop passively letting her marriage pass her by. The first step is that Venus needs to take control by keeping Mars from masturbating in the cave by locking him in a chastity device. The second step is for Venus to enthusiastically embrace her biological and psychological role in keeping Mars turned on. The third step is for Venus to get Mars’ problem solving nature focused on how he can please her and for her to stop thinking the answer is to their happiness is to figure out what she can do please him.
To make chastity work you need to first develop a plan and then whole heartedly put it into action. I read a lot and communicated with many others and the strong consensus was that chastity to change your marriage has to be real and not a game. It has to be a 24/7 part of your relationship. 24/7 is the foundation; it is what changes men for the positive because they shouldn’t have the opportunity to control their sexual release. This is one of the areas that the goddess, lady, mistress, keyholder or whatever you prefer to be known as must have absolute control of. Although the woman remains in control it is very important to remember that you and he are still a couple in a relationship, he is still your husband and that shouldn’t be forgotten, your relationship only changes once you close the bedroom door. Life goes on as it always has, employment, financial, family issues and decisions are all still there. Your dominance should not interfere in other areas though you will find he will react differently, often positively, as his feelings and emotions change.
Whether this is something that he initiated, the two of you mutually agreed upon or something that you decided to impliment, one thing is a necessity: there needs to be something for him to gain. He is giving up something that is a very important part of a male’s life, his sexual abilities — and for that you need to realize that he should be rewarded as you will be, but obviously in a much different way. You know the things that he likes, that arouse him and put a smile on his face. Often times we find that these are things that really do not interest us but considering the sacrifice that he is making you too can make sacrifices. Like marriage, chastity needs mutual rewards and often you will find those things that you reward him with will lead to an increase in his being aroused and enhancing his over all demeanor. It could be giving massages or trying sexual things that he likes but you never desired to try. You know how to dress to turn him on and you need to find out his fetishes if you don’t know them already and indulge them. All of this will heighten his happiness and arousal. He is making a permanent change in his lifestyle and you too may need to make some permanent adjustments so that he feels things are fair.
All men, given the ability, masturbate and way more often than most women think they do. This is something that is difficult for him to control and even more difficult to part with. Young men have an abundance of testosterone so masturbation doesn’t seem to interfere with their pursuit of young women. However, as men grow older masturbating usually translates into the husband ignoring his wife for at least a couple days. Chastity puts a stop to the masturbation and works in many ways; it changes his mood, demeanor and libido. Most importantly it changes his desire to please you. It is not the goal for him to do the cooking or the cleaning or the laundry but you will find that it will happen, not routinely but it will happen because as he continues to build up his sexual energy that he no longer has the ability to release as he pleases he will divert that energy towards pleasing you. Your being the source of his sexual pleasure will change his feelings, he will adore you, love you in a way that you desire and he will be eager to please you because you are, as I said, the source of his release. He will find, over time, he is happier and that will be because you’re happier. He will love the emotional boost the two of you share.
How to do it, that is an extremely important decision. Developing the correct plan, one that would work for my husband, was the most detailed part of the research process. By taking the advice of many other women, I was able to put a well informed plan together that I was confident that would be successful. I followed this plan from day one and still, do to this day. I have found it works. At least a dozen other ladies have also utilized variations on this plan successfully. We must always remember that sexually we are always in command and that first and foremost we will always be sexually satisfied. This is the cornerstone to happiness for both you and him. Keeping you sexually satisfied is your husband’s job. My hubby does so anywhere and anytime I say and by any means that I demand. His not being able to experience the pleasure of an orgasm only means that I experience many more than ever before.
You may think that this works only to your advantage and that is a common misconception. It is just as advantageous for him. He must keep you satisfied to eventually get his release and every time he satisfies you he is happy because he has made you happy. It is important to instill to him that his primary means of sexual gratification will be through yours. Eventually every time you experience an orgasm he will have a sense of sexual satisfaction. How you will accomplish this I will explain in a moment. What could be better, your being pleasured any way you like and experiencing wonderful sensations. He can not have an orgasm but he feels satisfied because you are and he will maintain a high libido. Although you’re still equals outside of the home you are the queen of the bedroom and he is your slave.
To enforce that you do have a certain amount of control it is important that he is forced to do and maintain a change in his appearance, something between you and he. This must be something that would be embarrassing for him when out in the general public so it should be concealed. Generally something under his clothes; replacing his underwear with panties is a popular example. Some of the women think that a man’s feet are best, easily covered or uncovered based on your orders and modifications could be removed when you feel it is necessary and reapplied when the time is suitable. In my case, my hubby wears a gold ankle bracelet and must paint his nails with red polish except for occasions that I instruct him to do something different.
Achieving your desired results is easier than you might think. It is an empowering experience. Depending on your situation there will be differences but there are parameters that should be followed to achieve the greatest results. The most important step is always the first one. This is where he is made to understand that you control his sexual pleasure from this point forward. Most of the women I have talked with agree that it is best to lay out the terms of your new relationship with him in the strongest possible terms. Most favor a written contract, which I followed, so there is no room for confusion. My terms and the consensus advice from those women I talked with are that he agrees to having his penis pierced and permanently locked in a chastity device of your choosing, that you alone have the power to grant him an orgasm and that you may decide never to allow him to have another one, that he agrees perform all services, domestic and sexual, that you request, that he agrees to being disciplined in any way you deem appropriate, and that because he is locked in a chastity device that you may need to find other people to meet some of your sexual needs. Anything less than this and he has either not admitted that there is a problem, that the solution has to be permanent and completely effective, or that he has to give up total control of his sexuality and yours to you.
It is almost universally held by women who seriously practice chastity for their male that initial enforcement of chastity should be at least three months of continuous wear without relief after you go through the break in period of getting a device that fits. Preventing him from having an orgasm for three month period may seem a bit harsh but it is paramount to your success as it allows his body and mind to adjust to the lack of masturbation and sexual pleasure as desired. Enforcing the first three month period will allow him to get in to the proper frame of mind and make him understand your desire and your commitment and your determination to his being chaste; it will also give you the chance to develop the strength to say “no”. He should be made aware of the time frame immediately upon his being secured in his device, this allows for a clear understanding of the initial commitment of time.
If he is at all uncooperative during this first three months, you should add additional time to his lock up. I gave my husband a two week extension as a warning about whining about getting out and a one month extension the second time he more bluntly told me he needed out. After that there were no more incidents but I was seriously considering three months for the next offense.
I tend to agree that with the more experienced women that I talked with that you cannot be too strict with respect to the initial lockup period if you want to achieve the triple goals of getting yourself past feeling that it is your duty to give him orgasms, getting him focused on his new role of pleasing you, and your becoming comfortable with being in charge. If you haven’t achieved these goals then lengthen the time. In retrospect, I think that I came down hard on my hubby and added the extra month because I felt myself falling into the trap of feeling that I had to let him have an orgasm since I saw him so frustrated by the chastity device. I am glad that I did. When I finally let him out it was on my terms.
After three months of being locked up your hubby would be willing to do almost anything for a release so in that sense the chastity device will have done its job physically but mentally some men can hold out for three months and bounce back to their old ways once you let them cum and they expect future orgasms on a regular basis. In determining the length of the initial period, you need to consider this.
A chastity lifestyle will be very hard on him initially and three months without release will make your seriousness very clear to him. You will have put an end to his days of masturbating behind your back. His life will never be the same after. Rather than pleasuring himself when he wants, he will become dedicated to pleasuring you when you want it and how you want it.
You will need to be strong and keep up your end of the bargain. When you can do this it will have change the dynamic of your relationship in a way that set you and him on the path to long term happiness.
Upon completing his initial confinement period I assure you that you can give him an experience like he has never had before, this is a reward for the couple. You will have a sense of strength for enforcing it and him for getting thru it. You should make his orgasm a slow drawn out one with lots of teasing. It will be all too easy for him to cum very quickly. You may need to tie him down to keep him on edge but when you finally do let him cum it will be almost too much for his body to handle.
Once you allow him his first release it is entirely up to you how many sexual experiences you allow, how they occur and how the ejaculate is disposed. A very important step during any release period is to ensure that you will get him right back into his device. Some of the women do this by always tying him down before the device is removed. While this has its old school charms, there are lots of other options. Locking his hands behind his back in a pair of steel handcuffs is a quick way to keep him from grabbing his penis if you are teasing him. I also have a waist belt with a pair of leather cuffs attached which is easy and fun to use. You can get something similar for cuffing his hands to his thighs. A wonderful device called a humbler works well if you want him to have use of his hands to pleasure you. If all you are doing is inspecting penis and making sure the device is cleaned then I just put the handcuffs on one of his wrists or ankles prior to removing his device. Before the cuff comes off he has to be secured back in his chastity tube. I am confident that he would not be willing to go to work with the dangling cuff. Several of the other women have tried this trick and found it works well. The less that you have to worry about his arguing that the device doesn’t have to immediately go back on the more likely you are to take it off frequently which promotes both teasing and keeping the tube and his penis clean.
There were a number of different views about how often a male should be allowed to cum after the initial denial period. Some of the women with younger males let theirs have an orgasm about once a week. I suspect that they were masturbating a couple times a day before this so that once a week is a big reduction. Most of the women I talked to though thought that it was best to strike a balance between keeping them completely denied and giving them some hope of gaining a release. You will need to experiment and ultimately you will need to do what works best for you, recognizing that the less often for him the better.
The most common belief was that it was not good to allow their male to achieve an orgasm more than once per month but most thought that his orgasm should not very often be withheld for more than three months unless there was a good reason for doing so. Some women liked to think about how often hubby could have an orgasm as a small fraction of the number of orgasms they had. A 50-1 ratio seems to be very popular but you can pick the number to suit your needs and gets the time between releases just about right. This approach gives him a strong incentive to initiate sex and give you orgasms.
Some women like to set goals for their hubbys where they are allowed an orgasm earlier than scheduled if they meet a big goal. Males who had cheated with other women rather than by being chronic masturbators deserve harsher treatment.
The most common question women new to chastity ask is what type of device to put him in. The consensus advice, which now unfortunately now with too much experience I have to concur, is to prepare yourself for some frustrating trial and error to find the right device and the right fit. There is no right device for all males. It is a bit like finding the perfect pair of shoes. The chastity device needs to be custom fit. It has to be comfortable if he is going to wear it 24/7 and it has to be completely secure and effective if you are going to be happy with the results.
There are two basic types of devices, chastity tubes and chastity belts. The chastity tubes usually have the tube attached to a ring that goes over his cock and behind his balls. The belts go around the waist. They also have a tube which is attached to the front shield part that forces the penis straight downward. With a narrow tube, a good belt is very effective at preventing erections. Some of belts come with attachment points so you can hook a dildo to the front shield for you to use or to insert a dildo into his anus. The main drawback with the chastity belts is that they are expensive, bulky and much less comfortable than the tube devices for many men to wear. They also need to be sent back for waist adjustments if his waist size goes up and down.
Most women use tube type devices but there are some women with custom made belts that love them.
I recommend that you use the tube type, and get at least two of them for him, a hard plastic one and a metal one.
It was not easy though getting a belt or a tube to fit right. Many of the women have had to go through several devices or alternations to finally get the right one. A few got lucky the first time but don’t count on it. The best advice here is to be patient and let your hubby put in most of the effort into getting a device that fits right. He is the one who has to wear it all the time. Have trial lock ups until he is ready to be locked down permanently. Don’t be surprised even then if you have to stop a week or two into the lock up to get something fixed or let the piercing tough up some more. If there is a problem take off the device and see if it can be quickly fixed. Sometimes there is just a spot that has been rubbed raw and needs some ointment or the device left off for a couple of days.. If you have to send the device back to be altered, start the clock over when it comes back and you lock him up again. Eventually, the device kinks will get work out. I just wish I had been aware of this when because there were some discouraging times until my hubby was able to wear the device without problems for over a month. I slowly came to terms with being able to permanently lock him up and the satisfaction of knowing that his days of masturbating behind my back were finally over.
It’s also important that you get a chastity device with the smallest tube possible for his penis so that he cannot get an erection in the device. A small tube quickly limits the growth of his penis and is actually more comfortable for him to wear. Often the original tube ordered turned out to be too wide or too long because of the male’s optimistic measurements or fear of being too confined. After a while in a chastity tube, the penis has a tendency to shrink a bit which makes the getting the right sizing initially difficult. Males who are what is known as growers, their penis get much larger when excited, are much harder to fit than those who are showers, those whose penis gets hard but not much larger. You want him completely dependent on you for getting an erection and as I mentioned, a smaller tube will actually be more comfortable after he has adjusted to it. A loose tube can also allow enough growth from an erection that with sliding the tube up and down or using a vibrator on it some males can successfully masturbate.
The last thing is that the device needs to prevent him from rubbing his penis particularly the head. Many males if they can rub the head can cum although it is a pretty frustrating orgasm almost akin to milking and hence not much to worry about except that you want him completely under your control. Chastity belts work best on this account since they completely deny access to the penis.
From time to time you might find it necessary to punish him for whatever reason, he might refuse to provide you with sexual pleasure as instructed or he spoke to you in a negative and degrading way; there are certainly many possible infractions. The most effective punishment is to increase his time of confinement; this should always be done in at least a week increment but you will probably find that additions of two weeks or a month will be more effective unless you like having him continually testing you which I don’t.
As an example let’s say he was tired or in a bad mood and failed to enthusiastically provide oral sex to you one evening. If this happens it is imperative that you do what he would not. Masturbate yourself to as many orgasms as you like, he may then attempt to provide for you but you must not allow him to. After you have satisfied yourself let him know that his refusal requires that he be punished and that you have decided that an additional month will be added to the time that is already required. If he gives you any argument, add two or three months to his lock up time. You could also be creative by locking him up for one month for every time you orgasm and really go to town.
Different from failing to do something is a sort of agitation that many males including mine sometimes get when they are in chastity as a result of their sexual frustration. Most of the time this finds a positive outlet in terms of showering you with attention, but sometimes your hubby will just need to be toned down. Good old fashion discipline in the form of corporal punishment is what many of us have found works well.
Almost all the women I have talked with know their husbands are submissive to them but they are not wimps. In other parts of their life they tend to be dominant A-personalities types who exert lots of authority and are often high strung. Many have masochist tendencies as well. You can beat them yourself or it is easy to find a professional dominatrix who will do it for you. If you decided on the latter option, pro-doms are easy to find in most major cities and advertise openly on the internet. Look for a no-nonsense disciplinarian type rather than a sensuous or man hating type. The disciplinarian types almost all believe that married men should be locked up in chastity devices and know that if they deliver a well whipped hubby back to you that they will have a long term client. This has become an increasing part of their business as the number of chastity devices sold increases since some wives no longer fear that the dominatrix would have sex with their husband if he is sent to be disciplined locked up. This is probably the last thing you need to worry about though since the last thing a pro-dom wants to do is have sex with a client.
If you think you might be tempted to let your hubby out early, have the pro-dom hold the keys until the anniversary of his lockup and tell her to talk you out of earlier relief when you have those thoughts. You can always pick up the key from her for a scheduled teasing or inspection. You can also send him to the pro-dom to have his tube and penis inspected if he complains that he is having problems with his tube. Having her administer severe punishment if the request is not justified should nip this type of behavior in the bud before it gets started. You can also have a girlfriend you trust hold the keys. If you think a little humiliation would do him some good, send him over to clean her house and let her increase his lockup time for less than perfect work. He will never get out.
I use to think that disciplining my hubby was a chore. Now when I beat him long and hard, though, he sometimes just melts under my cane and breaks down and cries. Afterward, I hold him tight in my arms for a long time and then have him go down on me. The feeling I get is hard to describe. It is almost magical. I now feel sorry that most wives will never experience moments of this intense closeness with their husband.
There are times when my hubby does something that really makes me mad. When he does I send him to a great pro-dom I know. She usually starts with milking him, because when this happens he always gets at least a month added to his lock up. She really works him over and he is always on his best behavior for quite a while after he comes back. I recommend this strategy for any woman who wants to separate out the loving discipline that their husband occasionally needs from them and the serious punishment he sometimes richly deserves, which can be contracted out to a merciless third party.
Prostate milking is a necessity if your male is locked up for over a month otherwise his prostate can get clogged up and his chance of getting prostate cancer increased. Milking causes a release of semen clearing out the prostrate but provides none of the satisfaction of an orgasm. A male is usually even more frustrated after a milking than before because he has been stimulated similar to an orgasm but not allowed to have it. Milking also helps to prevent nocturnal or spontaneous orgasms which can happen if he is locked up long enough without being milked or allowed to cum. You can look at prostate milking as a necessary procedure, a form of punishment or just fun. There are a number of ways to do it and milking is psychological more effective if done with the chastity device on. Some of the women use a rubber glove or anal probe specially designed for the purpose. This works but is slow and tedious.
Using a strap-on and taking your man anally also works well if you go at it long enough and figure how to stimulate his prostrate. This is a favorite of many of the women I have talked with. They find it most amusing to orgasm themselves while forcing the semen to drool out of hubby’s chastity device with each in and out thrust. I give it a go every so often particularly when I want some penetration with a great arched doubled sided feeldoe dildo that some clever woman designed.
You can also use an electrical stimulation device. This is usually a quick and almost clinical procedure if done right. It is what I typically do since I usually like to think of milking as something that should be done for medical reasons without even a hint of sexual enjoyment for him. I have a PES unit which requires two attachments to complete the circuit. One of attachments is an anal probe that slides right in with some lube and hits the prostate. The other is a strap that goes around his balls. I put him in a humbler on his hands and knees. Then, I turn up the dials to the right frequency, which I had to experiment with some to find, and the semen just steadily drips out.
A pro-dom is also usually happy to milk hubby if you don’t want to and corporal punishment administered after a milking is more effective. Prostate milking is a wonderful thing to do and it is hard to over do. The semen drooling out will reduce the male’s testosterone level though so he will be more mellow and docile after the milking. If you think that he is getting testy just put him on the milking stand and pump it out. Many men do not enjoy being penetrated rectally and they all really despise seeing their ejaculate expelled dripped out slowly without any sense of pleasure or release. Milking is a great way of reinforcing your complete control over his sexuality.
There may be times where you feel you have to unlock him to use his penis. Fortunately, there is a way to do this without letting him orgasm by using numbing creme and a several condoms. This usually works but there is always a small risk that he will cum especially if he has been locked for a long time. There are other alternatives that allow penetration without this risk.
The easiest is to use is a strap-on dildo. There are two models, the feeldoe and nexus that were designed by women that will give you great stimulation while allowing you to taken him anally. There are also a number double sided penis gags that you can use to ride his face and there is even a dildo you can strap around his thigh.
Every so often I and many of the women I have talked with want the real thing. To make these rare opportunities for him to have intercourse with you work for both of you, you need to recognize that after being locked up for a long time he will cum with a hair trigger. He is also unlikely to get as large as he did before chastity unless you take him out of the tube and get him hard on a frequent basis. Long term chastity will have the effect of reducing the size of his erect penis.
You can avoid disappointment if you stimulate him to orgasm in some way other than intercourse when you first let him out of the tube. After he cums give him a Viagra and wait an hour or so before you use him for up. It is good for about three hours or you can give him a Cialis if you want to do an all day thing. Once he has cum the first time and recovered by the time the erection drug takes effect, he will not orgasm nearly as easily and either of the two drugs will get and keep him really hard even if he has another orgasm. Some of the women use their hubbies for intercourse for several days in a row treating the whole event as a single release period before they lock him back up for a prolonged duration.
The big changes that you must make in yourself to make a chastity relationship work is to commit to frequently teasing him, like you no doubt did when you first dated, and to having much more frequent sex yourself. The two can be one and the same thing.
Having him perform cunnalingus on you while locked up is almost guaranteed to drive to the edge. Fortunately, for you the chastity device will keep him from going over. Just think the more sex you get without letting him cum the more he wants you. If more women knew this secret there would be a lot more locked up husbands and boyfriends. Remember you have all the time in the world to train him to do the way you want without any need to worry about getting him off. Once locked all he does is fantasize about you. You will need to decide if you want to be the one that initiates sex or whether you want him to.
My usual rule with my hubby is that I will tell him when and how I want to be pleasured and he is expected to drop everything when this happens. This is clearly a control issue for me but your tastes may differ. One of my friends likes to have her husband instigate elaborate romantic seduction rituals. She never unlocks him during these events but on the rare occasion when he really out does himself, she gives him an orgasm the next day. The bliss point is when you get your hubby to the place he gets pleasure purely from your pleasure without thinking about his cock. My hubby is not quite there yet but he is getting there.
There are almost an infinite number of ways that you can tease him. There is the classic tie him down to the bed, take off the tube and work over his cock for hours. Every time you feel him close to an orgasm stop and straddle his face and have one or more yourself. Stay with it as long as you can and you will leave him a marshmallow. You may find that you have to ice down is penis to get back in the tube. Dress up in the way that drives him crazy and stand him at attention nude in his chastity tube while you softly stroke him all over except for ignoring his cock. He will struggle to stand tall as his cock struggles to grow in the chastity tube. Every woman needs to develop her own style. You can keep things fresh by continuing to experiment. It may seem like a lot of work but he will shower you with attention. The hardest thing will be getting that much attention again.
It is understandable that there may be days that you want to ignore his situation. It is alright to not care that all the time that he is not no longer in control of his manhood and you can let him know that you don’t. Still you should not let this go more than a few days without making positive comments about his being locked up for you. The main thing if you are going to lock him up is that you need to make a commitment to yourself and him to make this work.
As the endeavor in to chastity continues you will be able to add ideas and musings to your relationship that you find works well. Remembering the basic principles of how to keep your hubby under your spell will let you, and him, discover chastity’s amazing rewards. Always maintain the upper hand, do those things to show both you and him that your requests are nothing less than a requirement for him. You will never want to let things revert back to his self “lack of” control again. Believe me, the routine is effective and over the long term you’ll not regret it even though at times it seems like a lot of work.
There is an old saying among those wives who adopted a chastity lifestyle because their husbands encouraged them… be careful what you wish for. I think some of the husbands would given a choice go back to their old ways, but none of the wives would. I think that deep down the men are happier because they wanted to be sexually controlled by their wives and now they are. Their new reality is often much different than their original fantasy because it is now your fantasy not his. I know the wives, who stuck it out through the trials and tribulations of finding a chastity device that worked and figuring out how change their mindset from a need to give him orgasms to one of deserving all the orgasms they could ever want, are all much happier.